Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
