Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
