This is not my ceiling
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
