don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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