I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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