Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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