I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
