I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
