i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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