is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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