The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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