i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
