My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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