so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
