I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
