I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
barbara walters just said penis...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
