while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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