Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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