I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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