she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
