Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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