Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
