If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
