I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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