Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
