I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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