It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
