My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
