I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
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