Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just found puke in my bra..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
lol hangovers are for mortals.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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