a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
