My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
