How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
