turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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