My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
