Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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