is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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