he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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