It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My vagina is officially offended.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
