watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
