So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
