Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
