Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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