This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
