Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
birth control should be required to get into college
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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