Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
