So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
