Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
