Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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