Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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