Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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